In the wings.. ( don’t know the credits of this picture please add if anyone does )
Being safe and protected
Today’s theme was very personal for me. I’m not here to tell a story to make you pity me, I recognize that I have led a privileged life. That I am blessed more and less than others. I guess I just feel called to share my thoughts…maybe it’s cathartic to bare ones soul to a community of sexy, caring people…maybe my honesty will help someone else.
My childhood looked perfect on the outside. I had parents and a family that loved me and all my basic needs were met. My parents were not perfect of course. Despite their love for me, they had their own battles to fight. Unfortunately their flaws scarred me in ways that make it hard for me to feel worthy of love nor be vulnerable to it…to feel safe being me….to feel worth protecting. I spent many years in a marriage that propagated that belief. I fight often to realize my worth and currently I am struggling more than ever. I can’t seem to get past it, despite the many caring and loving people in my life. Despite logically knowing the truth.
What does it mean to me to feel safe and protected? It means unconditional love and patience. It means I can be an idiot and try to push love away, but he will be strong enough not to let me. That he will see me…my truth and my fear…my desire to love him with my whole heart and please him and my appreciation of his strength. I am a strong woman, but I’m also fragile. I am a happy, fun, person but I fall to sadness easily. I am confident yet unsure.
To feel protected means that the man in my life will not allow anyone or anything to hurt me. If someone is threatening me, he will stand in their way. If I need to leave my house because of an emergency, he will help pack my bags and make my reservations and maybe even go with me…without me asking. If there is a scorpion in the house or a snake etc. I can call him to get rid of it (the last scorpion, I smacked with a shoe myself thank you…it’s just an example). He will do these things because he knows that I have not been protected.
He will text me good night and good morning, because he knows that reassurance is important to me as is being desired and needed. If I am scared or vulnerable or anxious I can go to him and feel safe and calm. He will help me make decisions when I’m not sure which way to go because he knows how to calm my mind. He will understand my need for consistency and communicate when something happens that may change how much we see each other or how available he is. He will never just disappear from my life, even if our relationship has ended. He will do those things because he knows I am afraid of unexplained change.
To feel safe is to be vulnerable and still be loved. To know he is strong enough to see past my fear. To make me laugh when I feel like the world is closing around me. To help me see that I’m not alone and that I don’t need to be afraid. That I can put down my armor and breathe.